


Harukerel

by taetrance



Category: Free!
Genre: Crack Fic, Free! - Freeform, Haru being Haru, M/M, i decided to post it on here, i wrote this about a year ago as a joke, the dumbest thing you'll ever read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 23:21:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9465005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taetrance/pseuds/taetrance
Summary: Haru loves the water and swimming, but not as much as he loves mackerel. When the most attractive mackerel is brought to his attention, what will he do?





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is a complete shitpost. don't read this.

"Haru-chan! Get over here!"

Haru pulls out his headphones and turns off his music with a sigh. "Rage On", his favorite song, had just come on. He looks over at Nagisa with as much emotion that his face will allow him to display: none.

"HARU-CHAN HARU-CHAN HARU-CHAN!" Nagisa continues to yell.

Haru walks over at an average pace, "What?"

"Haru, I found an entire abandoned plate of freshly cooked mackerel!"

Slowly, Haru's vision blurs, his ears begin to ring, and he collapses to the floor in a pile of love and lust. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Makoto and Rei stare down at him with questioning looks, but Haru can't control his reactions. It's been an entire 4 hours since Haru had last consumed mackerel, and his body couldn't manage much longer without it.

As Haru convulses, he manages to sputter out, "M...m...mackerel? D..di..did you s...say...mackerel, Nagisa?"

Nagisa smiles, "Yea! It's right here, do you want some?" Nagisa holds out the plate of freshly cooked mackerel, prepared beautifully, with just the right amount of garlic and paprika to make Haru's mouth water viciously.

Haru then realizes that Nagisa just offered the mackerel to HIM, and so he springs up great speed and kneels at the feet of Nagisa.

"NAGISA, PLEASE. GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE ME THE MACKEREL."

Rei then walks over to where Nagisa stands and snatches the plate right out of his hands. Rei, having much more height than Nagisa, holds the plate up high while placing his hand to his chin, appearing to be in deep thought.

Haru lets out a desperate screech as the plate is moved further from his reach. All his heart desires is to devour and eviscerate the magnificent fish.

"REI," Haru screeches, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW I NEED THIS FISH INSIDE OF ME. PLEASE, BRING IT TO ME."

Rei laughs and pushes up his glasses, "Oh Haru, how silly of you to think I would drop this opportunity so quickly. Let's have a little fun before you get your reward."

Haru gasps and sinks to the ground, tears surfacing in his bright blue eyes. "R...r...rei, I...I don't know h..ho...how much longer I c..can wait..t. My body will soon go into DOMA."

Nagisa pipes in, "What is DOMA?"

Makoto sighs and says, as a matter of factly, "DOMA is 'deprivation of mackerel arrest'."

Nagisa giggles slightly and says, "Haru, I don't think that's a real th.."

Haru jumps up from the ground and lifts Nagisa up by his collar, "OF COURSE IT IS A REAL THING HOW DARE YOU TELL ME IT ISN'T REAL I'M GOING TO.."

Makoto then intervenes, "Haru, calm down! Gosh, you haven't shown this much emotion in a long time."

Haru drops to the floor and exclaims, "I don't know what's happening to me. I just need the mackerel. Soon. Please"

Rei points his finger in the air and says, "Aha! You can have your mackerel as soon as you c.."

"CUT OFF YOUR SWIMSUIT AND DO THE WORM NAKED ON THE FLOOR" Nagisa smiles largely with his brilliant plan.

Rei has a horrified look on his face, "NO NAGISA I WANS'T GOING TO SA..."

But before anyone can do anything, Haru has pulled a pair of scissors out from who knows where and begins to cut up his bathing suit. Before long Haru is naked and wormming on the floor.

Makoto screeches and covers his eyes, "HARU HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT DOESN'T THAT HURT YOUR.."

Haru screeches into the distance, cutting Makoto off, as he performs the worm dance, creating the shape of a mackerel as he moves across the floor. Haru then begins to chant as his eyes roll into the back of his head, rather demonically, "MACKEREL, MACKEREL, MACKEREL, MACKEREL, MACKEREL!"

Nagisa drops the plate of mackerel in horror at the scene unfolding in front of him. Haru notices the plate of mackerel left unattended in front of him. Haru's head snaps in the direction of the mackerel. Haru quickly snatches the plate in his mouth and brings himself to a sitting position. He looks up at his teammates as they stare at him in fear and disgust.

Haru smiles and laughs before yelling, "LEAVE ME ALONE. LET ME BE WITH MY MACKEREL!"

Rei, Makoto and Nagisa flood the scene in record time, leaving Haru alone with the plate of mackerel.

Then, out of nowhere, "Rage On" begins to play again. Haru smirks and picks up one piece of mackerel from the plate. He lays himself down on the floor and begins lining up the fish along his body. Once they are all lined up, he begins to hug the fish closer to himself. He then, one by one, shoves the fish down his throat, moaning as he does so. As he gets to the final piece of fish, he lets out a content sigh as he stares this final fish in the eye.

Haru doesn't know if it's impending high from consuming this final fish, but he swears that the fish begins to speak. The fish says, "Haru, thank you for brining us together."

Haru smiles as a happy tear slips from his eye, "Anything for you, my mackerel." He slowly slips the fish past his lips and down his throat, shivering from the blissful feeling as the mackerel is digested.

**Author's Note:**

> i told you not to read it. sorry for what i've put you through.


End file.
